Grief Management, SNIPPETS

H.O.P.E – HOLD ON PAIN ENDS

Let me put this in her words …

“My husband is from a rich family. My father never gave a chance for him to complain about anything. The house that we live in, the car, each and every piece of furniture were gifted by my father.  My husband never had to worry about finances. Both of us are financially independent. But, my husband used to demand more and more money from my father for no reason. He doesn’t love me, all he loves is the money I bring in. How more greedy can anyone be?  The most horrifying of all was when I was forced to abort my child. I was rushed to a private hospital,  had no clue what was happening, and before I could realize I lost my child. He doesn’t want a girl child. Each and every person of my family is part of this sin. He used to torture me physically and was also abusive many times.  I hardly slept peacefully for a few days in our 3 years of marriage. It was horrible. Even after multiple discussions between us, things never got better. I couldn’t stand anymore. I wanted to part ways from him.”

Some relationships are so bad, that separation feels better than trying to make that relationship work. But, why do break up’s hurt so much, even when the relationship no longer feels good?

What I understand is, more than the broken relationship, what effects more are the shattered dreams. The dream of a happy family, having a loving companion is now shattered. Even before the partner arrived into our life, the dreams existed and the dreams still hold very well in future. “Would I find someone with whom I can realize those dreams with ??“ – there is no definite answer, it may or may not happen.

A decision to end a relationship is the life changing decision that one makes. It really becomes very important to understand what the effects would be, even before arriving at a decision.  The initiator or the receiver of a separation decision go through a wide range of emotions and often very different from one another. This is very natural.

All losses end up in grief, but loss of a relationship brings in a variety of losses in one shot….  fear, insecurity, loneliness, changes in the way our friends and family treat, societal pressures, an array of questions to answer ( not only for yourself but also to others ), a feeling of rejection, guilt. 

When we encounter any of our friends or family going through a divorce or separation, it becomes really important to be sensible.  The matter itself is very sensitive and so may be our friend. Having patience, giving them the time to open up, letting them have their privacy and don’t bombard them with questions. We might have a thousand questions as to why and what has happened, but so they may be.  

It is our responsibility to provide them the support they need to be able to deal with their agony.

  • A person going through a separation just needs a non-judgmental ear. Be empathetic.
  • What they need is our care, support and most importantly our time. They might be feeling very lonely and it’s very important to make them feel loved.
  • Don’t say anything stupid, ” He is an ass hole”, “It is never meant to  be”. It would only make them feel more miserable. If you cannot say something sensible, stay silent. 
  • Nobody is a super woman or man; they may not be able to handle the same work load or routine for some time. Comfort them that it’s ok to not to be perfect and not be able to catch up with routine all the time. Observe their routine and help them ease it a bit.
  • Offer help in picking up their kids from school or grocery shopping.
  • Invite them for a Sunday brunch; this is a great way to deal with their Sunday blues.
  • If they live in a different state or a country, pick up the phone and place a call. We are so busy texting and emailing, that we forget how good it feels to hear a friend’s voice saying, “Hey! I have been thinking about you. How are you doing?”
  • Let them dwell to figure out what their passions are and help them find ways to fulfill them. Join the class your friend wanted to enroll into, and he/she would be happy to have them enrolled along with your company.
  • If your loved one becomes distant or cold or says something mean to you, don’t take it personally. People going through a divorce are not themselves. Forgive and forget, and let them know you are here for him or her.

Grief out of a separation can be enormous, but there is nothing to be worried about. These intense feelings would ease out with time.

No one would find their prince charming or sleeping beauty and happily live ever after.  In reality, people make mistakes, they change with time, the stresses and strains of everyday life causes some marriages to fail. These occasions, while painful and hurtful, don’t have to be disastrous, and can actually be opportunities for growth and new experience. It’s a chance to reflect, learn, grow, and move on.

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