I can never forget that morning of 30th April 2015. It was 9:20 am and I was still very sleepy because my 3 month old baby had kept me awake till 3 am. With a struggle I woke up because it was time to feed him. I was almost done feeding him when I heard screams from the other room. It was my Mother in law. I initially thought that she got injured but then she continued to scream and cry, I almost skipped a heart-beat when I tried to make sense of the words coming out from the other room mixed with screams and cries. Something was very wrong. A million thoughts crossed my mind in those 30 seconds that I took to dress myself and run to the other room.
I saw her lying on the floor and my Father in law in a state of shock and panic with phone in his hand. What I heard next was something I could not believe – my youngest brother in law was no more. With my baby in my arms, I felt my whole body shaking. How was it even possible? My husband was on the phone and I spoke to him. He confirmed while crying uncontrollably.
It has been more than a year since that horrible fateful day and I have seen all of us go through tremendous amount of pain. It seems there is no cure for this pain. There have been times during last one year when I had felt that my family is never going to be happy. My son’s naming ceremony was just 3 days before we lost my brother in law – that was the last time I saw my family really happy. I have had moments that made me feel that I will ever see them as happy and vibrant as they were then.
Now I believe that time really heals. No matter how intense the grief is and how endless the pain is – time does heal. That emotional shock followed by the huge vacuum that is created by the loss never goes away – but slowly and gradually we learn to live with it. We come to terms with the fact that that vacuum will always exist and we sort of make peace with it. The fact that “Death is ultimate reality” becomes real. We start to value life of our own and that of our loved ones more.
We begin to believe that he (my brother in law) is probably happier in that other world. We look at the stars and wonder if it is true that people who die become a star. At every festival or celebration, we wonder what he would have done for the celebration – we actually feel his presence even though he is not there with us. There are times that we wonder “How come all of us were sleeping so peacefully while he was in such an intense pain”. Sometimes we just close our eyes to look at his face- that smiling face that we will always remember. Sometimes we just concentrate enough to cut out all the surrounding noise and just listen to his voice. We are still struggling to forgive ourselves for the loss but one day I know we all will make peace with that too – probably when we are near our own deaths.
One of my close friends lost her brother in a road accident recently and there is colleague of mine who died in an accident at his home last week. And there are a million other people who lose their loved ones everyday – my only message to all of them is
“Just hang on. Go through this grief because it is not forever. Time does heal. No matter how impossible it seems today – life does get better. Because it is very rightly said that – THE SHOW (LIFE) MUST GO ON”