It was 8th of April 2011. I was busy with my regular morning chores, when I received a call.

Siddhu is no more. He crashed his car into a parked container and is announced spot dead. Police are saying that his face is completely crushed and they can only handover a headless body .

I cried my eyes out. I could barely digest this. I have close acquaintance with his family. I chose not to fly to attend his last rituals, I knew, I wouldn’t be able handle myself and may end up hurting his family more.

Siddhu was my very good friend.  Each and every important event of our lives was known to each other. He was my buddy in all the mischievous acts I used to do and it was so much fun with him. Siddhu had a brilliant IQ. He always wanted to have his own company and he worked very hard for making it a success. At the same time, family and friends were equally important to him.  He beautifully managed to keep in touch with everyone , no matter how busy he was. He was extremely caring, loving. He was a very good son, a very good brother and a very good friend. People cannot help themselves from falling in love with him. He was very lively, always smiling.

While running through the memory lane, there was a sudden chill through my spine when I recollected what happened the day before Siddhu’s accident. He called me twice in the evening. As I was busy at office, I couldn’t answer his calls. Siddhu never rings me a second time if I don’t respond on the first, unless its an emergency. What is that he wanted to talk about ? This question has brought a lot of confusion and guilt for me. In a jiffy, I opened the laptop to check my email. There it was, the last email Siddhu had sent out for me.

Dear Aastha,

Anu has decided that she doesn’t want to get married to me. She was all in tears and I couldn’t handle her. I don’t want her to face our families with the bitter truth. I have to cancel this engagement, but I don’t have the courage to face my dad. At this point I really don’t think, I want to live. Thank you, you have always been there for me through thick’n’thin. I am sorry , I won’t be able to be there for you. Take care.

Good Bye !

After reading his note, one thing was very clear to me. For sure, Siddhu was very uncomfortable with his dad, I knew it,  but his mention that as the only reason wasn’t convincing at all. Anu was Siddhu’s first and only love. He was not able to handle the rejection. All of a sudden, he would have felt as if the whole world has come to an end. Handling rejection from a loved one is not easy but he absolutely haven’t considered love he was getting from others . He was very weak with love especially, it would have effected him in the worst way. He might have felt the entire weight of not being able to get her love, on his shoulders. I kept wondering the whole night if his family knew, he ended his life at his will. I made a call in the morning to his sister, they were not aware of this. That was a sigh of relief for me.

In a way or other, may be I could have eradicated him from taking the decision to end his precious life. I could have just attended his call, took 10 minutes out of my busy schedule, should have texted him, or called him back once I reached home. I could think of a 100 possibilities, but it was too late. I lost my friend. A family lost their loved one. An irreplaceable loss, the hardest to handle for anyone. I was under extreme guilt and was very unhappy with myself.  This taught me the biggest lesson of my life,  to be able to be there for a loved one, any time they need me , literally ANYTIME. 

Death of a loved one is very traumatic, but when the death is because of a suicide it would add additional emotional factors to it. The ripple effect for all suicides is enormous. Parents, children, siblings, friends, lovers, spouses  have terrible reactions to the death by suicide of someone they care about. Even if you are not related at all, you may still find that you are deeply affected by the suicide of a friend or colleague.If they were a close friend you will grieve for their loss and may wonder if you could have done something to prevent their death.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Leo Buscaglia


  1. Hi Aastha,

    Really touching story. Suicide may be an easy way to end problems for some but it brings the world crashing down for those who are left behind and attached to that person emotionally.

    Very well addressed.



    1. Thank you Kalpana. The pain that suicide survivors go through is much more and stays for more longer. It can be quite painful to handle at times. Glad you liked it. Thanks once again..

      Liked by 1 person

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